Monday 30th September 2013

by Chelsea

Catnap

Michael came home on Friday to find that Bucket had died. We don’t know what happened but are waiting for an autopsy. I saw Michael cry for the third time ever. Bucket was the most magical cat I’ve ever known, and most people who met him thought the same thing. I can’t absorb it. It hurts too much. That he’s gone forever. Forever. Trying to understand it is like grasping at the edges of an oil spill.

Everyone’s been great on Facebook, texting me, taking me out places to distract me, bringing flowers. Michael and I are mainlining dumb sitcoms. I bought some yarn. I’d like to put up a lot more photos, but I can only handle a few minutes of thinking about it at a time.  I have to only check FB a couple of times a day, schedule my breakdowns where I can.

Jen suggested that writing about losing her Jack was helpful for her, so I’m trying. Since I’m crying from texting with her, I figured I could at least get an announcement up. Something’s got to help more than crying when I find fur on my scrubs, crying when I pull his food bowl out of the dishwasher, crying when I walk in the door and don’t have to worry about letting him out.

Fuck.

 

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6 Responses to “As Long As I’m Crying”

  1. kmkat says:

    I am so, so sorry. Pets become part of the family and find a special place in our hearts. They give us unconditional love (even cats!) and warm our toes/laps/heads when they are chilly. Grieve as you must, and when you are ready, find another kitteh that needs a loving home.

  2. Karen says:

    I am sorry for your loss. Be good to yourself and to Michael, too.

  3. Jen says:

    One day at a time. That’s all you can do. It doesn’t haven’t to be a journey to healing. That will come eventually but right now it hurts and you have to cry. Grieve him and honor him and share about him when you can. How did he get his name? I’d love to see more photos. I’m so so sorry.

    ~grace~

  4. Addey says:

    My spam word is “invalid”, which is crock. What you’re feeling is more than valid! I never got the joy of meeting Bucket, but I wish I had. All I can do is offer you hugs and compassion.

    (turns out it was an error, my new spam word is solstice… which is better, but solace would have been even more so.)

  5. Kim says:

    I’m sorry. I lost Ella this summer, after 15 years of heart-dogness. I still can’t blog about it (though I am working up to it) but I’m convinced that writing about it is a step in the right direction.

    Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time.

    Fly high, Bucket!

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